The New Divorce Workout Plan?: The Sex Tape

[I saw the birthmark on your kittykat in the video Jessica. I know it was you.]

We have all watched them.  We've laughed, cried, let off a couple knuck children and commented on them.  If you just said you haven't let off a couple comments, you's a lie.  But everytime I finish watching talking about one of these tapes it makes me think about that person's present life.  I know, I know - Loveable Captain B caring about others feelings. No dum dum, I just wonder how in the hell another man could get with a girl that has a flick out with some random dude.  And also, how in the hell could you think that a guy would marry/stay married to you with this out there.  Picture this: 

you got a flick out in the world and you get married.  You and your partner try something 'new' in the bedroom. Partner finds out about your flick, watches it, and finds out that 'new' trick was taught to you by some other dude. 

That's grounds for divorce right there.  What box will/should dude check on the papers.  The heifer lied to me aka Irreconciable Differences.

I know for a fact that the co-pilot in my life has flown under the leadership of another Pilot but damn it, I have NEVER seen it so in my twisted mind, I'm the first.  Call me crazy, but you all have thought the same damn thing or you've told you're significant other that they are the best when you know Ray/Rochelle did some derivative of the above situation to you, orgasmically.  But I digress back to the subject.  These chicks have ruined their lives forever.  No self respecting man/woman would marry you when you have a sex tape out there for the world to see.  Let's go down the list of the notables (because some of them aren't worth the attention *cough Eve cough*):

1. Pam Anderson
Went from Baywatch to Barbwire to Dancing with the Stars.  What a downward spiral. Single.
2. Kim Khardashian
She got played like no other.  Poor, fine a** Armenian girl.  Reggie will hit it but he will never get married to that chick.  And she is one of the finest.
3. Nicki Minaj
I have no words for this one.  She likes dudes and girls.  She's trying to double her chances but let's be real.  Nicki Minaj couldn't get married without the movie so this point is moot.
4. Paris Hilton
Never even had a chance.
5. Kendra Wilkinson
The former Playboy playmate almost was home free with a new show and a new husband.  Then a f*ckin deluge of dirty deed came out.  And I mean there are flicks of her and a dude, her, a dude and another girl, her and a donkey and snake!  What happened? Divorced.  Guess what he checked. 

I am aware that there are partners in these videos, but let's be real, guys are socially supposed to do stuff like this.  It's not me, it's society.  I am also aware that most of these women have a larger than normal amount of money on hand.  My retort to this is, who the f*ck cares.  Money won't keep you satisfied.  Well, it can buy something that will, but that's illegal in America.  You know what I'm talking about. 

So women, stop trusting dude when he says, "naw girl, there's no tape/sd card/auxillary power in the camera".  If you're going to do the do on camera, do what's smart.  Set it up yourself and make sure there's no tape.

Captain B's orders.

---

The New Busy is not the too busy. Combine all your e-mail accounts with Hotmail. Get busy.

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If You Think You're Lonley Now...

…b*tch wait until tonight!  While I’ve never had the balls reason to say this to a girl I was romantically involved with, I’ve utilized variations when breaking up with them.  Some good, some bad, some hilarious, and the one that shant be spoken of anymore but all telling of the person I was and currently am.  With my hindsight being 25/20 (seriously, I can almost see through walls), I see that the longer I live, I am/was never wrong about anything and all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time and life (ala George Bernard Shaw with a little CB in there). 

But with all that being said, I have realized that there are some do’s and do not’s of breaking up with someone.  Because let’s be honest, people are crazy and don’t know how to take rejection, especially girls.  Yes, I said it.  One guy tells you that his family his brothers his friends his dog he doesn’t like you and you want to try and run him off the road.  Sheesh. 

If you don’t take these suggestions into consideration for the other person’s feelings, at least take them into consideration for the shear fear of having your property vandalized balls mutilated or your favorite pet kidnapped. 

1.  Do It!

Don’t be that person that says “If this doesn’t get better in _(insert time period)_, I’m leaving.”  Quit being a b*tch and do it already.  In this Captain’s opinion, most people stay in relationships 6 months longer than they should. 

2. Face to Face is best

I will attest to this suggestion.  I’ve done everything except the text message break up.  And in my learnings, yes learnings, this has been the least violent, except for that one chick.  That sh*t was B-A-N-A-N-A-S.  I feel that after the tears and the “I hate you”s there will be some time to reflect and some no string love mutual respect.

3. Don’t B-S her

You’re breaking up with her.  She’s already hurt.  Tell her why she should be hurting. Try things like, “I’m not happy because you are stuck in your ways.”, “You aren’t spontaneous enough.” or “You’re not adventurous enough for me in the sack life”

These are just a few to try out to make sure you are alive for the next morning adventures.  What other ones can you think of FDC people?

-Captain B.

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Holla At Us

Got Beef?  Got a question?  Want to be down?  That probably won't happen.  But the first two things you can hit us up about.

Captain B. -- Flyin the Flying Skies
Captain Fuentes -- The Adventure South of the Border
Captain Creamy -- Best of Both Worlds
Captain A-Ron -- The Yes Dawg, Yes Master

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Side-Eye: 10 Songs I love

 | N*gga Please |

Side-Eye (n.): (pronounced “sahyd-ahy”)

Origin: Black People               

1.        A look given to one when peers disapprove of a choice, idea, or action.

“ Everyone gave Mike the side-eye for playing Kurt Franklin at the party.”

----- (v.)

1.        A disrespectful glance at one as to disregard ones wishes, rules, idea, or request.

“Hey man, your boy got one more time to side-eye me before he get knocked out.”

So you ever had a song that you love and sing/rap with the windows down that just didn’t fit into your Ipod’s usual playlist? No, well this happens to me on the regular and after talking to some of my friends about it, I have amassed a list of the most unusual songs that I listen to and love that my friends give me the side-eye for.  But let it be known, I don’t care if you give me the side-eye.  F*ck is you to judge?  These songs are hot.  In descending order, they go something like this:

10. Red Hot Chili Peppers – Other Side

I don’t know why but most of the people I know don’t get down with the Chili Peppers.  Any group that has the balls to perform with socks on their man members and move around is okay with me.  And I’ve had way too many girls to ever || pause || that last statement.  They literally just had socks strategically placed!

9. Hootie and the Blowfish – Only Want To Be With You

            If dolphins don’t make you cry too, you have no soul.  Period.  Well, at least the ones aren’t racist.

8. *Three Way Tie* Guns and Roses – Welcome to the Jungle / Sweet Child of Mine / Paradise City

7. Journey – Don’t Stop Believing

It happens every time I go out to the bar with my melanine deficient brethren.  That song comes on and the place erupts and everyone is friends for 5 minutes.

6. Phil Collins – In the Air Tonight

If this song doesn’t get you pumped before a game or something that you’re going against an opponent, you have no competitive spirit and you mind as well quite before you start. 

5. Green Day – When I Come Around

4. *Tie* Aerosmith – Crying / Shut Up and Dance

Aerosmith is the shit.  If you saw the Wayne’s World where Wayne decided to throw ‘WayneStock’, you heard Shut Up and Dance at the end.  If you haven’t seen Wayne’s World, what are you doing with your life?! 

3. *Tie* No Doubt – Spider Web / Don’t Speak

I love Gwen Stefani.    These songs were B-A-N-A-N-A-S.  Don’t judge me. And if you do, f*ck you.  Just because you’d rather to listen to Shaq’s “Twism” doesn’t make you better than me.

2. The Outfield – Your Love

            Listen to it. It’s a great song.

1. The Verve – Bittersweet Symphony

I used to wake up to this song every morning in high school.  It wasn’t intentional.  I would just have Mtv on while I got ready for school and this song would be on religiously.  At first, I was like anybody else.  I would always say, “F*ck is this? They play this song every morning.”  After like two weeks of it coming on continuously every morning and actually listening to the lyrics, I was hooked.  And the video was dope too.  Dude just walks down the street and it’s like the world is ending.  Think Xzibit’s “What You See Is What You Get” but in San Francisco with a lot of melanine deficient people.

Honorable Mention-

Will Ferrell (ft. Lil’ Wayne) – Love Me, Sexy

Funniest song that I refuse to get out of my head.  When Will Ferrell quits acting, he should come out with one of these gems every 4 months with another rap artist just to make me laugh.

Smashing Pumpkins – Tonight

Tom Petty – Free Fallin’

I don’t think they’re that bad but I seem to get the side-eye from my people when I sing them.  Though I respect their opinion and view, they can kick a whole half of a boulder with no socks.  The songs are amazing and I shall continue to listen to them.  What about ya’ll?  What songs do you get the side-eye for singing from friends?

Captain B out.

Look up and Look Out.

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5 minute Weekend ReCap

So I have a 5 minute break at work so I figured I’d throw the update up for the weekend.

So I’ll start off by saying if you didn’t get that B.o.B. album then you are just a dummy and I’ll ask you to stop reading this blog until you purchase said LP.  Not everybody is going to be able to get down with it but know this: 

There will come a time in your life when you are riding, chilling, listening to music and one of your friends/your girl/your guy will be going through your collection and amongst all the dismal and terrible selections you have made in your life musically (ranging from *NSync to Justin Bieber (yea I said it)), they will see that you have that B.o.B and you will almost be absolved of all your prior music treachery.  And it’s at that time, you can call, email, text, comment, or smoke signal me and say “Hey, Hey Cap. You were right.”  And I’ll reply, “….who are you?  And Duh ninja.  This is what I do.”

Sugar Shane got worked.  Dude had a couple good punches in the first and second round.  After that, it was the Money Mayweather show.  My favorite part of the fight, Mosley was talking sh*t in the ring and Floyd jabbed the hell out of him.  Then dude had the nerve to get mad because Floyd punched him.  He actually looked shocked that Floyd jabbed him up mid-sentence.  So to sum that fight up; two good rounds from Sugar Shane, 10 great rounds from Floyd.  I really didn’t expect anything less from Floyd but now the only fight I will spend my hard earned Lincolns (yes, Lincolns baby) for is Mayweather and Pac-Man.  I don’t think it’s too much to ask that Manny take blood test to make sure everything is on the up and up.  Seems like a pretty sound decision on Floyd’s part.  Manny, quit being a b*tch and running.  Fight Floyd.

OH! How could I almost forget this!?  Fellas you better hit the gym and get ready.  Know why?  Halle is single again! That’s right.  Her and Mr. Berry are getting divorced and once again my hopes and dreams of that woman being mine are alive.  Granted, her tweets about “disemboweling the next 25-something girl [she] sees” and “cat-woman [not-having] sh*t on [her].” are kind of scary, I would still go after that.  It’s too fine.  I know Trey Songz let out a ‘YYUUUPP’ when he heard the news.  But I digress.  I never knew the lucky bastard guy who was so lucky to make a baby with Ms. Berry, but I hear he was some model who was in a couple Versace print ads.  So my theory is Halle wanted a fine mixed baby (as she is mulatto herself) and so she found the cutest piece of man-meat she could have.  Kudos Halle.  Game recognizes game.  I wonder what dude is getting out of this.  Anyone know?

Anything happen to you passengers that you want to share?  Go for it.  My five are more than up.  Captain B out.

Look up + Look out.

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